I wanted to tell a bit more about myself. Thats always a problem isn’t it? Where to start? What’s important? What describes me as a person? It seems to always end up with me just making a jump for it, heads first, leaving people confused and wondering what the H*** just happened there?? Anyway – why change good ol’ habits? Hang on – here we go!
A year ago, 14 months to be exact, I was granted a pension. For years and years I had been struggeling with depressions, first diagnosed depressive when I was 17. Years later, loads of meds and therapi later, in 2002, I finally got the right kind of medication and depressions disappeared. Thats it! I was cured! Normal! I could start to live a normal life!!
Now hold on a sec. That didn’t really happen. Major confusion amongst doctors, family and friends, and myself nonetheless. Allthough I wasn’t depressed at all anymore, I seemed to be doing progressively worse. Anxietyattacks, sociofobia, lack of consentration, hissyfits. While everybody was standing around beeing confused (myself including) a couple of years passed. Noone knew what was going on, there was no more help to get, getting it sorted.
My luck changed the day a friend assumed I was borderline. She was quite shocked to find out I wasn’t diagnosed, it seemed so obvious to her. I had no idea what she was talking about, didn’t know this personalitydisorder at all. I started reading about it, talking to people that suffered from this disease. It was a revelation to me. It all fitted so well, it all made sense. Finally I went to see my doctor about it, he agreed with me that this was what was wrong with me and send me to see a psychiatrist. Psyc had a couple of sessions with me, and givven the answer beforehand, he knew what to look for and which questions to ask. There was no doubt – I was borderline.
Tho borderline is an extremely serious mental disease, I was SO happy the day I finally got diagnosed. The not knowing is so much worse than getting the diagnose. This I could work with, this was understandable.
Things happened quite fast after that. A year later I was granted the pension (in Denmark it’s not unusual to be 3-8 years from any givven diagnose till pension is granted). I was givven up on, not supposed to ever feel better, not supposed to ever have a normal life or be able to maintain a relationship.
But I didn’t give up myself. I’m just not a quitter, I’m a fighter. One by one I adressed the issues of borderline. The anxiety, the not beeing able to remember good things, the sociofobia. I was cleaning out my closets as well, getting to terms with the things that had happened to me in the past. Things that lead to me beeing borderline and things happening as a result of the borderline.
I have always dreamt about living somewhere else than Denmark. Somewhere warmer perhaps. The EU made it possible for me to still get my pension, but live in any EU country I would wish. Plans started to take form. Slowly and carefully, still just trying to find my feet, to make sure I would still have back-upplans.
In november 2007 I got in my car – a few suitcases and Frigg, my 4 year old Border Collie and started the 3500 km drive to Andalucia in southern Spain. I had never been to Spain before, didn’t know anybody there, didn’t speak the language. But I had found a cheap flat I could stay in for the winter – plan was to go back to Denmark in the spring, and if I liked Spain, to return every winter.
As much as life sometimes throws you a curveball, it sometimes amazes you with the beauty and love in places you didn’t expect. I fell in love with my little corner of Spain. My little whitewashed town on the hilltop. Now I’m back in Denmark, but only for a short while. I’m here to pack up stuff and leave for good – I’m going home!! Home to Vejer de la Frontera and the place and people I love so dearly.
Friends and family enjoy seeing me, and they can rest easier. It’s become apperant to them how good Spain is to me, noone has ever seen me so happy and so balanced as I am now. A few days ago I went to see my former therapist – that was an eyeopener!! To the best of her knowledge, she would say I was ‘cured’ now!!! :O No more borderline! No more depressions!! She was amazed. She as well had ‘givven up’ on me, had never believed it would be possible for me to have a happy, carefree life. Nevertheless that was exactly what she saw me doing now. She had tears in her eyes of joy and kept hugging me – very unprofessional *hehe*
Thing is – as ‘normal’ as I might be now – it’s just not that easy. I’ve been back in Denmark for only 2 weeks, and depression and borderline is getting to me. Showing their ugly faces again. It seems I’m only ‘cured’ as long as I stay away from Denmark, and as long as I’m able to do all the things I’ve learned, to deal with the borderline on a daily basis. I won’t ever be able to have a regular job – too much of my time and energy is still devoted to fighting the borderline. But the good news is – as long as I can get the peace to do this, I can actually be ‘normal’ and ‘cured’.
For now – I’m longing to get back to Vejer. Only a couple of weeks to go and I’ll be back in sunny Spain. A new life awaits me – ooohh, I’m SO exited!!
For further information on borderline: the clinical name is F60.31 – try googeling it, theres bound to be loads of hits.
